My Mom

And just like that life as you know it changes.  It rocks your soul to the core, creates new normals, makes you ask why and question the unfairness of life. My mom texted a couple of weeks ago and told me that she needed to talk to me. Little did I know one little conversation would change my life forever. I never in a million years would have guessed that what she had to tell me what that she just found out she had stage iv lung cancer. A 59 year old, non smoker, overall healthy woman. I couldn't believe it. My heart broke into a million pieces. Mostly for her journey that she shouldn't have to embark on and all the tomorrows that no longer seemed guaranteed. My heart broke for our future kids and the potential to never have a relationship with their grandma. It broke for all the unknowns. 

I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at the beach while she was telling me the news.  I happened to look up and saw a cardinal sitting on the fence. It was then the emotions came flooding in. It was so symbolic of what was happening and brought such peace. They say that a cardinal is someone visiting you from the other side.  I rarely have seen a cardinal in Florida, let alone at the beach.  I am pretty sure my Grams was with me that day. Something else that has given me peace is that a little over a year ago I was struggling with my decision to leave the cardiology world and embark in a world I knew very little about. I kept hearing a voice that said some day you are going to need this.  Obviously at the time I didn't know who was going to need it but I just had this feeling that someone ie: my family, friend, myself was going to need the oncology world. And here I am...  talk about the power of the higher being. 

I deal with cancer every single day. I deal with sadness and loss of life but when it is your own mother the potential loss is raw, almost unbearable. When she told me I remained strong. I went into PA mode and asked pertinent questions, offered hope and positivity. The day will forever be known as the day the smooth sail was over. It's funny how much one takes for granted "smooth sailing." We are now embarking on rough, uncharted water. 

My mom keeps taking about how her 3 year plan has been altered. That's the ironic thing. It's never our plan. Faith is what is helping me deal the most. It is sad that it takes life shattering news to remind me that life is so fragile. I definitely have realized this since joining Florida Cancer but like I said, when it is in your backyard things change and you start living for the now. I cry for all the unfairness life has to offer. I shake my head in disbelief that one can work their whole life, save, look forward to their next chapter with baited breath and never even realize that this chapter is going to be the one where you are left fighting for your life.  I sob that she isn't a grandma yet because this was going to be the time where she was going to shine. And isn't that what being a parent is all about?  It's the time to be everything you couldn't be as a parent because you were just trying to survive. 

I love the show "this is us". I heard a beautiful saying on there and interesting enough it sort of has become my mantra  "this is the story of how you took the sourest lemons that life had to offer and turned it into something resembling lemonade."

My silver lining is that I have a chance to make things right. To make things better.  My mom is a strong person and I am a strong person. Sometimes strong people don't need each other. I thank god every night that through all these sour lemons I have the chance to need my mom and vice versa. So many people aren't given that chance. So many people leave earth with so many unsaid things, so many regrets. Not very often are people given a chance to make it right. 

My mom text me the night before she had to meet with her oncologist to go over final plan and to start treatment. She said she wished I was there and I thought to myself I wish I was there too and then I thought why can't I be there?  I started looking up flights at 10:30pm, booked flight at 11:15pm, nervously emailed work that I needed to take a day off and boarded flight at 5:30am. I had Andrew text Mike at 7am asking if he could pick me up. He scooped me up at 9am and we drove around reminiscing about all the changes in town. We went to my moms appt at 1:45 and surprised her. I am so so so happy I was able to go. I pretty much can talk myself out of anything i.e. What about if she doesn't want me there?  What about if I can't get a ride? What about if appt is cancelled? What about if my work doesn't understand?  Thankfully I bought my ticket before I let anything above change my mind. Not only did I surprise her, I got it on video, which I will cherish forever. I was able to spend time with Mike and my mom which was truly priceless 

You never know the journey that one encounters internally. Going forward I am going to choose kindness and slow down, you never know who is walking around battling stage iv lung cancer. I sure would never have thought my mom was. 

I will continue to pray and ask for more time and a miracle. I am going to do better,  do more, to live with more of a purpose, to have compassion and to make more memories. I am going to live for today and make the important things in life a priority. I am going to help my mom tackle her bucket list and in turn fill my own bucket. This is time I will never be able to get back. 

4/3/17- the day she started treatment