The step I didn't want to take

We will see how this goes.  Last night when I was writing it in my head instead of sleeping it went smashing.  

Here goes.  I did something i have been dreading. I don't know if it was due to not wanting to hear what I already knew or the exposure to emotions that I have been keeping tucked far far away.  I finally agreed that we should go see someone. I believe in signs. It is no secret that we want to have kids.  Some people talk about these types of things, some people don't.  I fall into the latter of the two.  I think from the get go I didn't want the pressure and to be completely honest some months we worked on "us" instead of trying.  I didn't want people to ask about it, say well they shouldn't go out to eat so much, or vacation, or drink, or work too much, or exercise too much, or or or.  This summer I made peace with myself. I created serious work/home boundaries, I didn't pick up extra shifts, I didn't stress as much, I had acupuncture, Andrew quit chewing and we ate at home and cut way back on alcohol.   As each month passes and pregnancy pact passes I think to myself ok if I am not pregnant this month I will go to the doctor.  Then I would schedule a gyn appointment and then cancel.  

A couple of weeks ago I was in the doctor lounge and this abrasive doctor sat next to me.  He asked me my name, if I had kids, why I didn't and to write down labs to go get checked. He told me to not waste my time by starting with gyn and to go see someone.   It definitely got me thinking.  My next sign was a business card placed so awkwardly on the printer in the doctors lounge.  It was face down and I happened to pick it up after seeing it for weeks.  It was for an endocrinology/fertility specialist.  I called and made an appointment. I was super nervous and even Andrew asked what was wrong with me.  

At our appointment, the first thing the doctor said, "as you know you are getting old and the likelihood of having kids past 34 drops tremendously." Or at least that's what I heard.  Andrew said it wasn't quite like that.  At that point, my wall that I already had up went up even higher. Didn't he know that I am really a 17 year old?  Basically right now is the initial work up. We had Andrews swimmers tested, they swim.  I had a vaginal US and I have a right ovarian cyst and "thick lining" which could mean pregnancy, my period was nearing or I had an abnormally thick lining. Further tests pending.  I was sent next door to get blood work where I was stabbed and victimized.

I left the doctors office and cried and cried and cried. I rarely cry. I cried for the journey that I never wanted to start nor thought I would have to start. I cried for Pandora's box that I was opening.  I cried for all the disappointments that I have felt over the last couple of years and haven't really acknowledged. I cried out of envy for everyone that was on their second and third baby.  I cried because even if I was told I couldn't have a baby without intervention I still wouldn't go that route. I cried for not wanting to know. I cried for being old. I cried and cried in the parking lot all while Andrew hugged me and told me everything was going to be ok and it was our journey together.   Then I dusted off my tears, actually who am I kidding, I had to reapply all my makeup and went back to work.  That night I had a dream of having a baby and then I work up in the morning and started my period.   On day 26!  Needless to say it has been an emotional couple of days