Deep Stuff

6/2015
I just left the most magnificent, life altering  yoga workshop.  I have so much clarity and I hope that I can forge ahead into the world remembering and practicing the gift I have been taught.  I would have never imagined that I would discover so much about myself on the mat.  To be honest the first couple of times I tried yoga it wasn't for me. I was young, naive and didn't understand its full depth. I need yoga.  When I don't go I feel disconnected, stressed, anxious, etc. 

I just started a new work schedule where I work 7 days and then have 7 days off.  I swear most people would jump up and down having 7 days off.  Not me, I am having a hard time filling the hours and most days I often feel blah. During my workshop I realized why I dread stillness.  It is with stillness, that I have to come face to face with everything I avoid.

When a person doesn't take care of them self  physically it eventually catches up to them.  For some, it happens when they turn 40 some make it to the 50's but for the most part the years of neglect, abuse manifests with a heart attack, diabetes, cancer, ETC. Physically I have taken care of myself.  Emotionally I have neglected my soul.  If things bother me, I sweep them under the rug.  I become more anxious.  I avoid.  It is a vicious cycle.  When I am busy it is one that I never have to face.  When I am idle, everything starts to fester.  

 My goal is to be the person that I set out to be.  I do not want to be a prisoner to my own demons that I have never faced. It is time to come to terms with them and move on. Yoga is the cheapest form of therapy. I go to the mat and I release.  Some of the things I am working on letting go is the need to be perfect.  Don't get me wrong, I am far from it.  But I constantly strive to be this perfect person. In my yoga workshop, I learned that all of this stems from some other moment.  As children we are carefree but as we age experiences/moments/reactions start to define us.  Even as a child I have always been aware of my surroundings. Aware of how adults behaved, aware if someones feelings were hurt, aware of the tension.  Why do I have this need to be perfect?  Here comes my aha moment.  I have this need because my parents were not so perfect. They were wrapped up into drugs and  everyone was judging us. Subconsciously becoming perfect was my survival method.  I tried not to rock the boat, never talked about my feelings, just kept forging ahead.  Never confronted all those people that thought we would fail.  Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing more annoying then people who live in the past and blame everything on their childhood.  I am not trying to be one of those people.  I am finally giving myself the opportunity to grieve for that little girl, to acknowledge why I am the way I am and to try and not let it define me any longer.

I must have been around 10 or so when my Dad became clean. In lay terms.....he quit doing drugs.  My friends were going to catechism classes and I was going to NA (narcotics anonymous) support classes.  I remember being so proud of my dad for being clean for 6 months and he displayed his key chains hanging from his rear view window. I remember also being mortified because kids would ask me about it and what do you say?  Yeah, my mom and dad used to do drugs, actually my dad has felony charges against him.  Do you want to come over and play?  Oh, you aren't allowed to come to my house? My friends may not have known what the key chains represented but their parents knew. We grew up in a small town. Everyone knew.  My parents are amazing people who made bad decisions.  They changed. And there lies my conundrum; being so proud of my parents for overcoming what most people typically don't and yet feeling embarrassed for their short comings. 

Based on what I learned, my need for control, perfection regresses back to these moments.  So when I am at work and I don't know the answer to something most would just ask and move on.  Not me, I self sabotage.  "How could you not know the answer?  Are you an idiot?  How could you even graduate?" I am cringing typing that but funny how freely I say these things to myself.  It goes back to "Can you believe Mark and Sheri are doing drugs. Those poor kids. Insert much worse stuff.  Blah blah blah"  I am free from the bullying in yoga.  Free to forget, free to be me. I guess the most important take away message is kids are sponges and even if you don't think they are listening/will remember they are/do.  Don't talk shit about their parents. Be a mentor.  Be the good in that child's life.  Don't put cracks in their foundation and if you can't do any of these things, don't be a part of their life. 

I am strong, driven, motivated because of my parents. They are the epitome of success and I admire them for making the right decision when it wasn't the easiest or most popular one to make.